Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Saints That We Are Not.

Who is nice enough to sacrifice?

In the world that we live in today, is there really anyone who is nice enough to sacrifice him/herself to the extend it becomes the definition of the said person's life? Maybe there is a little amount of these people. I've heard a story about a guy who never got married because he devouted his life to take care of his sick mother until she died. He was 40 when the mother died. He said, he didn't want to be married, in case his wife will not like it that he pays most of his attention to his mother.

He is one of his kind. I know I won't be able to be that noble. 

I'm not going to kid myself and say that "I will do it if I have to do it" just to make me feel better. Don't be an idiot, and lie to yourself, will you? You'll just confuse yourself to no end.

To want to sacrifice, and to have to sacrifice, are two separate things.

When you WANT to do something, you gladly do it. No reluctance. No extra weigh. Your mind and your heart is at peace. Simply because it's what you want.

You want to wake up early. You want to do the dishes. You want to devout your life for your mother. You want to live your life as a monk. You're happy.

You want to.

Being a person that you have to be, can drain your soul dry.
You have to finish homework. You have to pretend to like people that you hate so much that you can murder them. You have to be stuck in a place you don't want to be in.

Your heart sinks to the bottom. You have to drag your feet, and squeeze through the minutes that pass by.
Nothing feels right. You're caged. You're not happy.

You have to.

The disgusting kind of sacrifice would be doing it just to get praised. I'm not even going to ramble about this. This is a whole different issue.

So, to what extend can one sacrifice willingly?
How long are you willing to live unhappily?
How long are you willing to keep it inside, and rot, and be bitter, and be a person that doesn't fit into the society in general? 10 years? 50 years? Until you die?

Why must one sacrifice to begin with?
It's not supposed to be called a sacrifice to begin with, if you're willing. But when you have to sacrifice, it's probably just your hope. Your last straw for something good to come out of it. Last piece of hope to make things work.

Sacrifices also can turn into obligations when there are expectations.
Expectations don't come from another dog or a tree or a stone; it come from humans. I'd say, expectants are oftentimes not willing to jump into the well themselves, so they try to push you into it, usually covered up with some lame excuses they come up with on why they can't do things they expect you to be.

Some sick, wicked, and sick-headed bastards (finally, profanity!) don't even have to jump into the well to begin with, but somewhere in their self-absorbed conscience, they feel like you should, and they try to force you too. To this group of assholes, I wish them illness. Go rot and die in a corner, and don't forget to get coated in shit as you do so, idiot!

(For a blunt example that might not be related to this entry, there was this one stupid guy who said to me, "over my dead body if you're going to marry that guy!", because he isn't really happy that he didn't get to choose my husband-to-be. I managed to dig for one myself! Oi! Who the hell are you to decide for my life?? What have you done for me, that I owe you so damn much that you think I'm going to even take your pointless opinions into consideration?! Your preferences means nothing to me so shut the hell up!!)

You're having fun expecting? Teach yourself to expect disappointment and failure. Then suddenly everything seems easier for you stupid asses out there.

I shall quote,

"Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, and nothing in between shall be a surprise."

-Maya Angelou,  I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

See? No expectations! Why can't everyone take life easily the way Maya's mother did??

I'm not a saint or an angel, so I'm not going force myself to do thing I don't want to, in the name of sacrifications. Don't expect me to, because I might kill you by just hating you. Or, poison your food; whichever comes first.

I put myself first in everything, just like everybody else in general.


I guess the whole bullcrap is just an Asian thing. We all like soap dramas and long-winded sufferings, so we do these things to ourselves.

I don't care if my point isn't clear. If you're smart enough, you're getting what I'm saying without detailed explanations. Plus, I'm too lazy to think of analogues to my points. I'm sleepy!

I stopped in the middle of writing this and I went for lunch, so now I forgot the rest of my points, so I'll stop abruptly!