Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Death and I. (Oi, this is not a suicide note, okay!)


I believe I have made peace with death.

I love life. So much. 
Nothing I love more than being alive. 
It's good to be alive. 

It is.

But all good things will come to an end. :)

During the last few weeks, life has been on a very unstable swingbridge for me. 
During my waking hours, I either scream out words to the walls in my room UNCONCIOUSLY. One night, I just suddenly started screaming while I was trying to sleep. What will burst my bubbles are usually knocks on my door, or noisy neighboors, or phone rings.
During my sleeping hours, I'll dream of deaths and disasters (my death, mass death, meteor strike, flood, volcanic eruption, doom's day, you name it. They are still clear in my head). 

Boy, it was annoying. 

I even thought of suicide. If you're reading me, and you instantly think I'm doomed, and you feel that you must preach me in order to save me, or because it will make your conscience clearer, DON'T FUCKING JUDGE ME, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! Don't ask. Just shut up. SHUT UP. If you feel disturbed by my statement, get the fuck off my blog. I don't need your shallow opinions. Don't fucking try to control about what topics I am allowed to think of, and what I cannot.

Then I remembered how good roasted chicken rice is. So I gave it up. For the sake of chicken rice.
And the hope that one day I will find a four-leafed clover leaves. :3

The bridge is still swinging, yeah, but I'm gripping the edges better. The cup of coffee is both sweet and bitter, after all.

But I have been thinking about death for a very long time, not because I'm thinking about suicide all the time, but because;


Either way, it will come one day. By any means. Cancer, heart attack, car accident, plane crash, fire, drowning, war, psycho murderer, electrocution, natural disasters... Out of all the causes above, I believe I will most likely die in a natural disaster, or be a murder victim. I doubt I'll reach my old age. But the future is not to see. :3

So, if death is to approach me in any given time, I am willing. I will be scared, my heart will beat fast, my palms will get all sweaty, and cold, knowing that my very (short and brief) life is about to end; but I am willing. I will be at peace.

Or so I thought...

Three nights ago, I had a dream that has made me become aware that there is one thing that will I need to do before I die. I dreamed that the Earth was hit by 3 meteors. They flew up on the sky. The first one, which was the biggest, hit the ocean up north, and the other two, which were relatively smaller, hit the north-west of Asia. The Earth shook due to the hit impacts, and in came the huge flood, and instantly, I knew I was going to die right there, right then, and only one thing that was in my mind that made me want to cling to my dear life, but knowing that death was inevitable, I surrendered. Over-active imagination? Whatever. :p

But when I woke up, in between the the craze of heavy breath and incoherent heart beats, I realized that I will not die in peace if I die before I am with this guy. If I die before I get to see him once again, I will regret it truthfully.

Now, again.
It's my clear thoughts, which I am very conscious of. I'm not going to sugarcoat my words and lie just to have a better stand in your eyes. I don't need a better stand in anybody's eyes. Just because I didn't say things like, "I'll regret dying if it happens before I apologize to my mother," and so on, so now I am a bitch, according to your judgment. Guess what? At least I'm unlike you, a lying whore who only feels better after kissing asses here and there, and be a fake angel. This is what I feel, so this is what I say. If you're unhappy about it, you can bitch about it, and then go to hell. I will definitely not lie to myself, and act deluded, pretending that I am happy to not have what I want. I don't care if you hate me, but I will fight back. you can kill me, but not what makes me, me. If you're too stupid to understand the points of this entry, just go and die elsewhere. If you have a different opinion, I don't give a damn.

So let's end this depressive rant by summarizing the points of this entry. Since this is MY blog, so the summary should only be truly applicable to me. They are : 

1. When I'm fucking stressed up, I start to have nightmares in my sleep. Same thing happened during my thesis year.
2. I will not keep quiet if anyone thinks that thinks that he or she can overpower me, and disrespect my will and wants; whoever that person may be.
3. Simple things like chicken rice can bring happiness.
4.  Imma bitch with a loud mouth. Appearantly it's cool to be a bitch nowadays. 
5. Life is short. We are all just a tiny piece of star dust, like proven in this famous picture :

Earth from Voyager
This is the famous picture of Earth, called Pale Blue Dot.
"That’s us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam. Our posturing, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. 
- Carl Sagan (1934 - 1996), that famous astronaut guy.

So. Where are your senses?